i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
