you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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