I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
