i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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