Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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