So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
