he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
