he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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