dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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