I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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