running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
