he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
