Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
