I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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