i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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