She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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