Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
