Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i dont even know how to be here
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
