I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
