Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
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Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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