maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
