Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She even gives head with a lisp.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i think i just lost a toe
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
