Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
