WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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