so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
