A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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