Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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