I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
