Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Be still, my beating vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
