Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
