You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
