seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
