i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This baby is an asshole
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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