You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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