I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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