I haven't been this sober since birth.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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