I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
