When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
