In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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