my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
