I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize