She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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