I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
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he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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