i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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