he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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