Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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