I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
