I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
