There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
