my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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