Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
