I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
