hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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