i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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