I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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