Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
