i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
