you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
