Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
