Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
