Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
