my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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