she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
