i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
