So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
