I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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