I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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